Myths and Misconceptions: Pet Loss
Photo by Oleg Ivanov on Unsplash.
Myth 1: Intense grief over the loss of a pet is a sign of weakness.
Emotion is not weakness, and neither is grief. It is judgmental and profoundly unkind to tell another person how they should feel when someone or something they love and rely on has been taken from them. Can we all agree that if someone is hurting, we will stop telling them that they shouldn’t be hurting and instead try to just love, support, and pray for them?
Myth 2: Grief from a pet death can’t be experienced as deeply as grief from a human loss.
For some people, the loss of their pet can have a greater emotional impact than the loss of a distant human relation or a friend they only see occasionally. As pet guardians, we structure the setup of our homes, our budgets, and our daily routines around pet care duties. Our pets wait excitedly for us to come home each day, and many of them even sleep in bed with us every night.
Ultimately, many of us spend more time with our pets than we do with most of the people in our lives, so a pet’s absence is felt in profound and unavoidable ways.
Pets also provide significant emotional support to us to the point where their presence impacts us physically by lowering cholesterol, blood pressure, and cortisol levels. For many people, their pet was the very thing that helped them survive the loss of a human at some point, so losing that support then opens the wound of the initial loss all over again.
Myth 3: No one understands or can relate to your grief.
No one will know your exact pain, as grief is an intensely personal experience, but there are many others who have gone through similar losses and understand all-too-well the pain that comes from the death of an animal companion. Expressing your grief is healthy and helpful, so seeking out these individuals can be beneficial. There are Death Cafés and grief support groups intended specifically for pet loss as well as professionals who specialize in this area of bereavement. It may help for you to share your feelings in one of these nonjudgmental environments.
Myth 4: You should get another pet right away, and then you won’t feel sad.
Pets are not replaceable nor are they interchangeable. It is perfectly acceptable to get a new pet after the loss of a previous one, and it is also acceptable to get a new pet rather quickly. It may help soften the grief as you deal with the distraction of a new animal and all the changes that come with it. However, it will not take away the pain of the animal you loved and lost. Even with a new pet at home, it is normal to still grieve the previous pet in one form or another.
Myth 5: You should never have another pet.
This is the flip side of Myth 4. Some people feel that because animals are not replaceable, their guardians should never get another pet, as it would be disrespectful. Others feel that they could never get another pet because it would be too painful. There are no right or wrong decisions. It is perfectly acceptable to get another pet whenever you feel you are ready. It doesn’t take away the love you had for any previous pets. Likewise, depriving yourself of a future pet may not be the best way to protect yourself from future suffering. In fact, it might increase it by causing you unnecessary loneliness.
Myth 6: If you take time off of work to grieve your pet’s death, there’s something wrong with you.
See Myths 1 & 2. There are many reasons why the loss of a pet may hit someone particularly hard and may require concentrated time to grieve. It can be difficult to work when you are grieving—not just because of unexpected tears but also because grief affects our executive functioning. This means that focus, concentration, and memory are all negatively affected, which can be particularly challenging in the workplace. While most company bereavement policies do not account for time off due to pet loss, if you choose to use some of your vacation or personal days to stay home and grieve, no one should shame you for it.
Myth 7: It's silly to hold and/or spend money on a pet's funeral or memorial.
We have all kinds of rituals to help us honour our deceased human loved ones and to help us process our grief. Why wouldn’t some of these rituals help us also mourn our pets? While it’s not for everyone, pet funerals or ceremonies can help some individuals accept the death and start to move forward.
Myth 8: The more pets you lose, the easier it gets.
As with humans, we grieve each death as it happens. It doesn’t matter whether this is the first pet you’ve had die or the 10th. Each pet is different and unique. When a pet dies, we miss them and feel their absence regardless of whether we have been through this experience previously.
Myth 9: Whenever possible, the death of a pet should be hidden from children.
I’m an advocate for talking to children openly and honestly about death early and frequently. It is a normal, natural part of life and should be treated as such. When we impulsively buy an identical bunny and hope our kids don’t notice, or we tell them that the dog has gone to live on a friend’s farm, we miss out on a natural opportunity to teach kids about death in a healthy way. Yes, the death may be painful for children. Yes, they may grieve that animal deeply and carry that loss with them for a long time, but if we handle the death of a pet in positive, informed, and age-appropriate ways, we can empower our children to handle future grief well. Hiding the death of a pet from children also denies them the opportunity to say goodbye and can potentially lead to unnecessary feelings of betrayal and abandonment when they eventually discover the truth.
Myth 10: The veterinarian doesn’t care about my pet/isn’t impacted by my pet’s death.
No vet is unaffected by the death of someone’s pet. They grieve too. They entered their profession because they care about animals. Much like other health care providers, they feel the losses of their patients more deeply than we realize. They are not only grieving the death of your beloved pet, but they cumulatively grieve all of the patients in their practice who die over time. They may not share those emotions with you because they have to remain professional, but they carry more of that pain home with them than most of us are aware. Be kind to them too.