Myths and Misconceptions: Loss of a Parent

Photo by Dušan veverkolog on Unsplash.

Myth 1: Losing one’s parents is the “natural course of life,” so it won’t hurt very much.

We do expect to outlive our parents, but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier when they go. Our parents have been there for us—quite literally—since Day 1 to give us advice, support, and protection. We feel their absence at every major life event that occurs after they’re gone. It also forces us to face our own mortality and consider the future of our family in ways that other deaths do not.

Myth 2: All losses are the same. This one is no different.

When we lose our parents, we not only lose people we (may) love but also a part of our history and a tie to our roots and our childhood. Much of the family knowledge and legacy goes with them. It reshapes our identity. The roles and dynamics within our families also shift when we lose our parents, particularly if that death happens when we are young.

Myth 3: The grief is the same regardless of our relationship with the deceased parent.

Grieving the death of a loving parent who treated you well is different than grieving the death of an unloving parent who did not. While we can still grieve family members that we didn’t particularly like, to whom we were not close, or with whom we did not feel safe, that grief can be complicated by the other emotions, resentments, and memories involved.

Myth 4: Losing one parent has no impact on your relationship with the other.

As mentioned above, the family structure readjusts when one of its members is gone. This is particularly true when one parent dies. Additionally, our remaining parent may rely more heavily on us, we may feel more protective of them, we may expect them to fill both roles, etc. Our reactions to how they grieve the death of their partner may also have an impact on our relationship with them.

Myth 5: The surviving parent must be protected and shielded from decision making during their time of grief.

Removing control is almost never helpful to a grieving person unless they specifically request it. The surviving parent should be as involved in decision making as they desire and are able. Allowing them the opportunity to honour their partner helps with the grieving process. Denying them involvement may achieve the opposite. This is true for children as well.