Celebrating Christmas When Your Heart is Hurting
Photo by Mariana B. on Unsplash.
December can be an especially difficult time of year for anyone who is suffering from mental illness, chronic pain, physical limitations, isolation, homesickness, loneliness, suicidal ideation, and of course grief. There are a number of holiday celebrations through the month of December recognized by various cultures and faiths. I single out Christmas because as a Christian that is the winter holiday that I personally celebrate. The holiday season can be a joyous time, especially for those of us who celebrate the birth of our Saviour on Christmas day. However, it can easily be overwhelming, particularly when your heart is hurting from a loss.
The approach of Christmas can induce many feelings of pressure; pressure to show up when perhaps you don’t really feel like going anywhere or doing anything, pressure to smile and be happy and act like everything is okay because it’s the holidays or because it is unfair to make other people feel sad because you are sad, pressure to reach out for help even if others aren’t reaching out to you to offer comfort and pressure to answer people’s intrusive questions or share more of your story than you are willing. But most of all is the ever-present pressure to reassure everyone that you are okay.
One of the best lessons I’ve learned for anyone grieving this time of year is to let all of this pressure go. Instead, give yourself permission to make your own rules.
The holiday traditions and schedules tend to be cemented in families over time and can feel confining or overwhelming for those who are grieving. Do not feel beholden to holiday timelines. The structure of “normal” Christmas celebrations may not fit with your needs at a time that you are grieving, so allow yourself to do things differently. You can choose to cancel the holidays entirely if that’s what you need but if you find Christmas traditions to be meaningful and comforting, then absolutely feel free to participate! Gift yourself the latitude to do things at different times to ease painful reminders. This could mean going to a church service at a different time or in a different location offering you anonymity and not having to answer uncomfortable questions or respond to condolences. It may mean eating dinner at a different time or switching up who hosts in order to ensure that the holiday is different in more ways than just who is absent. Slight changes in holiday traditions or routines can help assuage difficult memories.
Give yourself permission to not commit and/or to change your commitment. You might think you really want to go to some event only to realize on that particular day that you are not feeling up to it. You aren’t obligated to show up just because a few weeks ago you said you would. You may actually go and find that you can’t stay the whole time. Leaving early is perfectly acceptable. In fact, you can do yourself a favour and give yourself an out early on by simply announcing when you first arrive, “I’m only going to stay a few minutes just to say hello.” That way, if you do need to leave quickly, no one is surprised or offended.
Changing your mind can go both ways. So, if you find you are enjoying yourself and want to stay, then great! Everyone benefits from your company longer than expected. Likewise, you may have thought that the holidays would be too overwhelming, so you opted out early only to realize that you really do want to be present at the dinner you RSVPed “no” to. It’s okay to change your mind and decide to go if that’s what you want (and hopefully your friends and family will graciously accommodate). If you want to avoid any feelings of misgivings about changing your mind at the last minute, then contact the host and let them know you would like to partake in the dinner after all. Most people will be elated that you changed your mind.
Keep in mind that grief & joy and sadness & happiness can coexist.
There is much talk about how difficult this time of year can be, as demonstrated by the first half of this post. But in reality, we live life in the moments in between and in the space of the both/and. You can grieve what you’ve lost and yet still appreciate what you have. You can feel a deep ache over the person or people who are not here this Christmas while also celebrating with those who are. It’s just as okay to laugh as it is to cry. This is true for every minute of every day, but it is especially true on big holidays when our grief is often muddled with feelings of guilt when we find ourselves enjoying events (or even wanting to enjoy events) even though our person is missing.
There is no shame in enjoying this holiday season even when you are grieving.
Whatever it is that you feel or don’t feel or need or don’t need this year, remember to be extra kind to yourself and to those around you. Remember also that whatever you need this year might be different from what you needed last year or what you will need next year. Grief is a journey.