Difficult Grief Days Are Not the Same for Everyone
I wrote last week about grief bursts when a memory is triggered, and grief comes rushing back even years after the acute phase of grief has ended. We know that grief tends to resurface around major holidays, special dates, and life events that cause the bereaved to be more emotionally vulnerable.
It is at these times that we are extra sensitive toward the bereaved and provide additional support to help those individuals. However, in my experience, it is the lead up to the big holidays—the weeks before and even the weeks after where the grief bursts hit the most frequently and often when one is alone and without any support or thoughtfulness from others. Those unexpected moments are often quite painful and isolating. Sometimes the anticipation of, and the build-up to, the impending holiday can be worse than experiencing the day itself.
I have also learned that not all difficult grief days (days of significance) are equal in terms of the recognition they receive and the support that accompanies them. People remember the big holidays that affect everyone like Thanksgiving and Christmas or the days when people expect grief to be present such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. On these days, people will reach out to check in on you, to bring comfort, or to invite you to dinner. Sadly, even then, they might do it one year and then forget the next.
However, they won’t remember YOUR days since they affect only you. For example, people—even those closest to you—probably won’t remember the day that your person died, the day they were laid to rest, or their birthday. They are even less likely to call to see how you’re doing on the anniversary of the day that you got the phone call or the knock on the door that changed your life. They won’t check in on you on the anniversary that marked the last time you felt your baby move or the day that your person first received a terminal diagnosis.
Some deaths happen in stages and the various events leading up to the death may serve as annual, painful reminders to the bereaved. These days can come to mark our grief in a predictable cycle, but often others will fail to see the pattern. Very few, if any, individuals will know, remember, and recognize these days. They may include the following:
The day the deceased was admitted to the hospital or hospice.
The last time you spoke to them.
The last time you saw them.
The day you got on a plane to visit for the last time.
For violent deaths, this could include the day the body was discovered, the day an arrest was made, the day the trail started, the day a verdict was delivered, etc.
For pregnancy loss, this could be the day one discovered they were pregnant, their expected due date, the day they found out that their baby would not live, etc.
For infertility, this could be the dates of unsuccessful IVF attempts.
There could be a myriad of days/moments that stick with us when someone near to us dies. Not everyone will experience the same events and if they do, the same ones will not stick with each person, but some may. Grievers can identify what these days are and develop a plan for what best helps them on those days. If supporters can also learn what these days are then they are better prepared to reach out and offer some comfort to the bereaved at those times.
Grief can also be present during major life milestones that remind us that someone is missing, including the following:
Graduations
Weddings
Birth of a child / an adoption
Family reunions
Family vacations (particularly if this is a regular/annual event)
Retirement parties
House purchases
To support a grieving friend on any of these difficult days, it can be incredibly helpful to learn, remember, and acknowledge them. A simple “I know today is a tough day, and I’m thinking about you” can go a long way.
Remember, while these days can be particularly difficult because we are reminded of the person’s death and their absence from our continued lives, grief is also an invitation to remember. We can miss our people and be sad that they are gone while also taking comfort and joy in remembering who they were and what life with them was like.