What is a Grief Burst?
Photo by Jason Mitrione on Unsplash.
As we begin a new calendar year, perhaps for the first time without someone we care about deeply, I want to help new grievers expect the unexpected. It may help to prepare for a common aspect of the grieving process: the grief burst.
A grief burst is something that occurs when the loss is no longer new, the acute pain of grief has subsided, and the pain is no longer an all-consuming reality from minute to minute. Grief attacks occur out of the blue and feel like a sudden blow to the body. In the moment, it feels overwhelming and as if it may never end. Grief bursts hit with take-your-breath away intensity. It can feel like our feet have been taken out from under us or that a wave has knocked us over.
In addition to ”grief bursts,” “grief spasms,” or “grief attacks,” these sudden, unexpected events are also referred to as a Sudden Temporary Upsurge of Grief (STUG). This is a term defined in the early 1990s by grief expert Dr. Therese Rando.
Anything can trigger a grief burst. While they often happen near birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays that is not always the case. Frequently, we feel blindsided by the grief because it is triggered randomly and without warning. Even years later when the rhythms and routines of our daily life have become stable and ordinary once again., we can still be bowled over by these indiscriminate grief attacks.
Although grief bursts feel like they come out of nowhere, typically they are not completely arbitrary or incidental. They are usually connected to one or more of our senses. We see, smell, hear, taste, or touch something that is deeply connected to a memory with a strong underlying emotion. These events not only make us think of the person we lost, but often the intensity of the emotion behind the memory is so strong that it hijacks our brain’s programming.
When we experience a grief burst, our instinct is often to fight it, especially when the timing of the grief burst is not ideal such as when we are in public or in an environment or situation where we feel we can’t cry or show emotion. As much as possible, though, it’s best to breathe deeply and ground your feet. Lean into the pain and allow yourself to feel fully. Don’t try to move through the moment too quickly. It is helpful to name the experience to remind yourself that you know what is happening. It also tells your brain that this is a temporary experience, and that the intensity will pass as it has done previously. This reminder is helpful because your body often goes into a state of hyperalert with a fight or flight response during these grief attacks and it takes time afterward for your body to absorb the hormones and chemicals released before returning to normal. Afterward, you will likely be able to determine what sparked the grief burst, but it isn’t important if you cannot.
If you can readily identify the trigger and the memory it evoked, take a moment whenever possible to enjoy the memory and allow it to bring you comfort rather than sadness. This will not only give you a moment to handle the emotion but will also give your body a moment to calm itself.