How to Write a Condolence Card
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash.
When someone around us is bereaved, it can be tempting for us to keep our distance. Often, we feel that we don’t know what to do or say. However, a common practice for many is to send a condolence card or sympathy note. For most bereaved individuals, these cards and letters are a great comfort. Some even re-read them in low moments to make themselves feel better.
Despite how frequently these situations come up, many people still find the practice uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to write inside a sympathy note. There is no one “right” way to write a condolence card, but here are a few principles to keep in mind:
The note can be brief and simple, but if you are comfortable writing a longer message, it may be greatly appreciated, especially if you had a connection to the deceased and can speak meaningfully about them.
Send the note within the first few weeks of the death even if you attended the visitation and/or funeral.
Be sure to write out the name of the deceased. You can include the relationship as well, but it Is important to say their name. For example, “your mother Deborah” or “I was sorry to hear about Ezra’s death.” I write frequently about the importance of using a deceased person’s name in conversation with the bereaved. This is true in writing as well.
I believe in avoiding euphemisms and using simple language that acknowledges the reality of the situation. However, if you are not comfortable writing “death of” or “died” or you believe the recipient would not respond well to seeing those words on paper, you may still prefer to use softer expression such as “passing” or “your loss.”
Express your sympathy followed by (if possible) your reflections on what the deceased meant to you, how that person made you feel, or share a brief memory about the deceased. It’s okay if it’s humorous but remember to be respectful and avoid stories that will cause upset.
You do not have to make an offer of support, but if you do, avoid vague expressions like “I am here if you need me” or “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” Instead, try your best to be specific. Indicate what exactly you would like to do and when you intend to do it. For example, “I will pick up the kids from school and take them to my house for a few hours every day next week.” Allow them to decline your offer if it doesn’t work for them in the way that you have suggested, but don’t give them the burden of figuring out what help they need and then asking for it.
Keep all statements supportive and compassionate. Avoid writing anything that feels judgmental, that trivializes their loss, or that assumes you understand the situation more than you do.
If the bereaved is religious, you may use words of faith to provide comfort but try not to over spiritualize or rely too heavily on spiritual cliches that diminish one’s emotional suffering or try to skip over it too quickly. The bereaved may be comforted by the notion that their person has gone on to glory but still be devastated that they are no longer living on earth.
If you find it difficult to put words of condolences to paper or you do now know anything about the deceased, something brief, such as “I’m thinking of you” or “Sending hugs your way” can still be powerful, so don’t feel as if you MUST write something longer. Many people will say something like this, though, so if you are able to add deeper elements to your note, please try to do so.
Remember that sending similar messages 2-3 months after a death may still mean a lot to someone grieving because most people, although still sympathetic, have moved on and don’t check in much anymore.
When in doubt, speak from your heart. Being genuine and telling someone that you care about them and that you feel for them in their suffering can go a long way.