Supporting a Family Caregiver, Part 2
Photo by Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash.
Last week, in honour of National Caregiver Day (NCD), I started a two-part series on practical ways that you can support any family caregivers you know. I had initially intended for it to be one blog post, but as the content became quite lengthy, I decided to split it into two posts. Part 1 dealt with some statistics about family caregivers and the first two suggestions for how best to support them. Here, Part 2 deals with two more.
3) Offer financial support
Even in Canada, health care treatment and equipment can be expensive and not everything required is covered by government funding. Additionally, because of the demands that caregivers have at home and the often-unexpected emergencies that arise, many caregivers find it either difficult to work a job that generates a full-time income, lose income because they constantly take time off work, and/or work part time or low-paying jobs that provide them with flexible schedules. In general, many individuals with health challenges and their caregivers are in situations where they would benefit from some financial support. Offer to do a caregiver’s grocery shopping (or simply drop groceries off) sometime. This will not only be a financial savings for them, but it is also a time-saving endeavour eliminating one thing off their to-do list.
If you have the resources to provide financial support, you can ask about what items, activities, or bills would be the most beneficial to receive assistance with and help out that way. Keep in mind which items you are assisting with, though, as some may cause feelings of offence or insecurity in ways that others do not. Maintaining a person’s dignity while offering them assistance is paramount. For example, when money is a tight, a caregiver with children may be capable of taking care of the essentials and has budgeted for their children’s new clothes etc. but what they cannot afford are the extras like special trips to the museum or movie theatre. Gift cards are also helpful and are less likely to make an individual feel as if they cannot provide for their family than if they were to be gifted toiletries, for instance.
Lastly, raising money through fundraisers and/or collecting it as a group is another beneficial idea. Sometimes individuals are more comfortable accepting financial gifts from groups of people rather than a single individual because it eliminates some of the pressure to “return the favour” or “make it up to them,” especially when the gift is framed along the lines of “we really want to help, but we just don’t know how, so we’ve collected this for you.”
4) Show up!
I’m forever promoting the idea that the best way to help people through difficult times is just to be present and show that you care. As people who want to help—and want to FEEL like we’re helping—this often seems insufficient.
So often, our desire is to make the tough stuff go away, but most of the time in life our difficulties cannot be fixed, they can only be carried. This is especially true for caregivers. You may not be able to change their circumstances, but you can visit with them, ask how they are doing, listen to their experience, and validate their feelings…all of which is important and has an impact. And do not lessen the impact that the old proverbial “pat on the back” still has. Just a few words of acknowledgement on just how well the caregiver seems to be doing or coping and commending them on the extra knowledge and skills they may have acquired goes a long to way bolstering their spirits.
Too often, caregivers find themselves isolated and alone. This is because they spend so much time in their homes and also because they do not have the same capacity as others to reach out, extend invites, and maintain balanced friendships. Many times, what they need is for their friends to make the effort to stay in touch with them and not add further pressure and obligation to their lives by waiting for them to reach out. Your caregiver friends and family members do still care about you and what is happening in your lives, but often they are so busy putting out little fires on a daily basis that they simply do not have the capacity to send check in texts or initiate coffee dates. Accepting the responsibility for those tasks will go a long way in your relationship with a caregiver and help them remain connected without the burden of having to connect. Keeping in contact with a caregiver also offers them a distraction and relief from their everyday circumstances. Hearing of someone else’s problems could bring some clarity to their own situation and regaling them with something funny that happened can extract a much-welcomed laugh. Above all else, continue to be yourself with the caregiver as you were with them previously. The last thing they need is to feel that the relationship they had with you has changed because of their circumstances, handing them yet another situation to deal with.
If you make an effort to maintain contact with someone who is a caregiver, to be part of their life, to understand their situation, and to give them a safe space to share…THAT is helpful. As you listen, don’t try to fix their situation, don’t try to tell them that it’s not as bad as they think, and don’t criticize them for what they are sharing. Many caregivers need an outlet for their frustrations. If you haven’t lived their experience, you may have no idea how difficult caregiving for someone else can truly be. Everyone is simply doing their best, and being made to feel bad about it certainly doesn’t help.
The Question of Help
A lot of these points can be summed up in another way, which is that you shouldn’t expect/force a caregiver to ask for help. If you really want to be helpful, show up with suggestions and ideas instead of waiting to be asked.
There are lots of reasons why individuals might not ask for help directly—guilt, discomfort, embarrassment, and pride being just a few. Perhaps they have asked for help in the past only to be met with silence because many people like to offer but not follow through. Alternatively, sometimes people do not understand the request or the need for it, so they dismiss it. Still others are quick to point out that the caregiver seems to have “everything under control “or that they are “doing such a great job” that they miss the hints being dropped that the caregiver needs more support than they are getting. Finally, so many of us have been conditioned to be strong and independent and handle everything ourselves and that asking for, accepting, or admitting that we need help is somehow a sign of weakness or a moral failing. Rather, it is part of living in community and in communion with other people.
As a Christian, I have seen time and time again the blessing that being part of a church offers and how many people are willing to step up for a brother and sister in need. I have also seen how organizing care and support within a community helps to lighten the load for everyone. When several individuals rotate through daily or weekly visits with someone who needs special care, then the caregiver regularly gets a break without someone else in turn starting to feel overwhelmed or burdened because they are the only person stepping in. However, not everyone is a member of a faith community with this kind of built-in network that I am so appreciative of, and it’s also not always apparent when someone is “in need.”
Remember that when we wait for individuals to reach out to us and ask for help, we add another burden to their list. Perhaps they don’t know what they need or asking is too difficult. Try to be creative and logical about where the need might be and offer solutions and suggestions of how you would like to help and then the caregiver can say yes or no rather than needing to initiate in the first place.
Caregivers, though, please take note that because so many people often want to help but simply do not know how, it is helpful to have a list of common suggestions that you could offer up when someone asks. Or, have a list of tasks posted in a very visible place so that when well-meaning friends come by for a visit, they can see that the back fence needs to be repainted or that a bag of clothing needs to be dropped off at the donation centre. This gives them practical ways to help you out and eliminates the need of either party to always ask.